Why I'm Suing Quaker Oats
Jun 26, 2025
I'm a big fan of oatmeal, always have been. It's the blank canvas of the breakfast table, great with almost everything. I don't recall much of my childhood, but I fondly remember diving into a warm bowl of oatmeal far too early on a cold winter morning. And the face peering out at me while I spooned warm slop into my craw?
None other than the Quaker Oats guy himself. (Fun fact, inside the Quaker Oats company they call him "Larry.") Peering down from on high with a subtle smirk, not unlike the Mona Lisa, enigmatic and maybe even a little bit mischievous. My fondness for him may be mostly Pavlovian - eat enough sugared up food while staring at anything and you'll probably grow an affinity for it. And it is because of this fondness for him that his betrayal hurts all the more. I wouldn't give a shit if Tony the Tiger or Toucan Sam or whatever the hell the Honey-Comb mascot was turned coat and changed their ways.
"What the hell are you talking about?" You may be asking right now. I'm glad you asked. Let me explain… No, there is too much. Let me sum up.
Larry, the Quaker Oats guy is a liar. From what I can tell he's been lying to us for a long time, and I'm shocked to see that no one is calling him on his bullshit. But if no one else will do it, I will.
As a bona fide "adult" I've been paying more attention to what I put into my body. This stage of adulthood stands in stark contrast to when I held the legal title of "adult" in my twenties, a time when I would regularly consume a WHOLE BOX of TOASTER STRUDLE for breakfast, including ALL SIX ICING PACKETS. This reflection leads me to believe my twenties were less "adulthood" and more an advanced stage of unsupervised childhood.
Now I look at the nutrition label before I buy something, not just as something to read while I was consuming it. (In the 1900s, before phones and tablets it was common for people to read the back of the box for entertainment while seated. The same was true of shampoo bottles in the bathroom.)
In this new stage of adulthood, I care, probably far too much, about my "macronutrient profile." How many carbohydrates are in this? How much of it is sugar? How much fat? How much is the "good" fat? And which one is the "good" fat again?... And of course, the macronutrient that's so hot right now, protein. As a responsible and healthy adult, you have to get enough protein.
Imagine my nostalgic surprise when I see an old friend smiling at me from the front of a box of Quaker Oat Squares. And lo and behold there in the corner, does that say 10 grams of protein? Not bad for a cereal!
It was only as I reached for the box that Larry's betrayal became evident. What does that say in the upper right corner?
WITH MILK?!
Larry, you sneaky bastard, how could you?! Who decided it's ok for foods to lay claim to nutrients that aren't even in the package? How is this legal?
It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous!
If this is ok, why isn't every food company doing this? Candy companies could be making a killing hyping up all the protein you could get if you ate them with other foods.
Skittles, now a balanced part of a healthy, high protein, diet!
It's absolutely insane. I can't believe it's been allowed to go on this long. If no one else is going to put their foot down, I will.
Sorry old friend, I'll see you in court.
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PS - Food packaging and the word PROTEIN have gotten totally out of hand. I would legitimately love it if there was a law that required the front of the box to follow the same rules as the ingredients list. On the ingredients list, ingredients are listed in descending order of weight in the package. i.e. the ingredient that makes up most of the product is the first on the list.
The front of the box should be the same with macronutrients, you can put PROTEIN on the front if you want, but it has to be sized in equal ratio as CARBS and FATS are in the container. I've taken the liberty of whipping up an example:
For the treacherous Quaker Oat Squares, a more realistic box front would look like this:
A sizing ratio equivalent to what's in the box, Carbs to Protein to Fat of 17.6(C) : 2.4(P) : 1(F)
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